Finding Your People by Steven W. Alloway

People like to talk about how difficult it is to make new friends as an adult. There’s a myriad of jokes and memes about it, as well as people genuinely asking for advice in that regard… Or simply resigning themselves to the fact that making new friends simply isn’t in the cards for them anymore.

I’ve never understood this mentality. I’m largely an introvert, but I still have never had a problem meeting new people or finding new friends. Then again, I have one key advantage: I do theater. I’m part of several different theater groups that do shows throughout the year. Each new show comes with a cast of people, whom I get to see and interact with regularly over the course of several weeks.

Some of them are people I already know, others are strangers whom I then get to know over those weeks. Once the show is over, some of them I’ll never see again, while others I’ll continue to keep in touch with for months, even years. I’ll work with them on their projects, they’ll work with me on mine. And if we’re not working together, I’ll go see and support whatever projects they’ve got going on, and they’ll come support mine.

Then the next play comes along, and we’ll do it all again. I don’t become friends with everyone I work with, but I do have a steady stream of people in my life with whom I share common interests, to the point where the concept of “not being able to make new friends” is completely foreign to me. How can you not be able to make friends?

Friends are everywhere!

Of course, not everyone works in theater, so they don’t have that steady stream of new people coming into their lives. Still, the basic principles can be applied to other areas as well.

So with that in mind, here’s Steve’s Basic Guide to Making Friends as an Adult:

1. What do you like to do?
2. Where are there other people in your community who also like to do that?
3. Go to that place.
4. Meet your new friends.

There are groups for just about anything. If you’re into a sport, or interested in taking up a sport, there’s probably a group near you that plays, either formally or informally, whether it’s football, basketball, baseball, or pickleball (I have written articles on “Where to Find Pickleball Leagues Near Me” for cities all across the country. I’m still not 100% sure what pickleball is, but it is apparently a great way to get exercise and meet new people).

If you’re into games, be they card games, board games, or role-playing games, look for game shops in your area, and chances are there’s a group that meets there regularly to play one of those games. Or if there’s not, the staff will likely know where you can find such a group.

If you’re into crafting, there are groups that meet up regularly to craft together. If you’re into gardening, there’s probably a community garden in your area somewhere. Whatever it is you like to do, there’s a group near you that’s doing that. Ask around, do a Google search, and you can probably find them. And just like that, you’ve got a whole group of new friends.

Your Friends and Your People

Of course, there’s a difference between making new friends and “finding your people.” As long as you’re a reasonably friendly person, even if you’re not particularly outgoing, just about anybody can be at least a casual friend. But finding your people, your group… That’s a little trickier.

First let’s start with what I mean when I say Your People. Have you ever walked into a room and just thought, “This is where I belong”? You find a group, and it just clicks. They understand what you’re saying without your having to explain yourself all the time. Your weird quirks, rather than being something everyone has to get used to, are actually what help you fit in with this group. From the moment you meet these people, you’re on the same page. Those are Your People.

Of course, not every endeavor you take on will lead to finding your people, even once you find a group of friends with similar interests. Sometimes it’s just a one-off fun experience, and afterwards, everyone goes their separate ways. You might decide to continue hanging out with them, but it’s not a high priority, just a pleasant diversion. Or sometimes it’s not a fun experience at all, and afterwards you’re glad to be going your separate ways.

The Wrong Room

Sometimes you walk into a room and everything clicks. And sometimes it’s just the opposite. From the moment you enter, you just can’t shake the feeling that this isn’t the room you’re supposed to be in.

A few years ago, I did background on a short film that a friend of a friend was shooting. The director put all the cast and crew in a Facebook group together, so he could update us on the project. Then one day, a couple of months later, someone on the crew reached out to the group with an opportunity. He was participating in a 96-hour film event, wherein teams have four days to write, shoot, and edit a short. Did any of us want to join his team?

I’m a veteran of the 48-Hour Film Project, and that type of endeavor is right up my alley. So I told him I was in. I didn’t know him very well, but he even let me be on the writing team. I was unbelievably excited.

The day of the event arrives, and we make plans to meet at the director/team leader’s house to write our film. And once I arrived… Well, this was not the room where everything clicks. This was not the right room. This was the wrong room. The moment I walked in, I just felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there. Not that I was unworthy or not good enough. Just that these were not My People.

For one thing, the director had a very different approach to the project than what I was used to—one which I didn’t really understand or agree with. Moreover, as we pitched potential ideas back and forth, I felt like none of mine really landed or were understood by the rest of the writing team—and the ideas that were landing were ideas I couldn’t really connect with, making it difficult for me to contribute. I did my best, but it was clear, I didn’t belong there. And that was nobody’s fault. This just wasn’t the right project for me.

This was a group of film and theater people, doing a project that I’ve done many times and have always loved. By all outward appearances, the experience should have been great. But these just weren’t My People. And sometimes that can be the difference between a great experience and a bad one.

After the script was done, I was originally meant to stay for the rest of the weekend and lend a hand on set. But instead, I politely excused myself and chose to spend the next day meeting with Spirit OnStage—my theater group, and the epitome of My People.

Finding the Right Room

Sometimes you walk into the right room. Sometimes you walk into the wrong room. The difference is usually clear, if not from the very start, then at least early on. Creative fulfillment lies in knowing which rooms to stay in and which ones to leave.

But how do you find the right rooms? If it’s still possible to clash, even when all the right elements are there, then how do you find the people you click with? Honestly, a lot of it is trial and error. You never really know until you get into the room.

"The Basic Guide to Making Friends" still applies. Find places where people are doing things that interest you, and go do those things with those people. Not all of them will be Your People, but some of them might be. It’s all a matter of looking for opportunities and taking advantage of them when they come along. You never know how things will turn out until you get there, so you need to keep yourself open. Some of them will pan out, some of them won’t. But the more open you are to those opportunities, the better chance you’ll have of finding and connecting with Your People.

Opportunity Knocks

And sometimes you hit the jackpot. Thirteen years ago, an old friend from college reached out and told me about a show she was choreographer for, called Geeks! The Musical. It seemed right up my alley, she said, and would I be interested in auditioning? Sure, why not.

So I auditioned, and I got in. Nothing fancy, just a chorus member, with one or two quick lines. But the experience was amazing. Everyone in the cast clicked, we all had a great time, and the show was incredible. Honestly, it’s one of the most fun and rewarding theater experiences of my life.

But it didn’t stop there. A couple of months after the show closed, one of the cast members announced that he was directing a show at another theater, in North Hollywood—a place called Zombie Joe’s Underground. I told him I was interested, and I’ve been working with ZJU ever since. I’ve done more shows than I can count there, made so many amazing friends, had so many incredible experiences.

Through Zombie Joe’s, I also got involved with several other theaters, for which I’ve written, acted, directed, done sound… And of course, gotten connected with plenty of amazing people.

And still, there’s more. Also in the cast of Geeks! The Musical was one Betsy Freeman. Through Betsy, over the years I’ve gotten to meet a whole lot of cool people and get involved in a number of cool projects. In particular, it was through Betsy that I met Cortney, who got me connected with Epiphany Space. And my experience discovering Epiphany Space is pretty much the epitome of walking into a room and immediately realizing: This is the right room. These are My People.

I sometimes think about what my life would be like if I hadn’t gone to that audition. I honestly can’t picture it. It would be something very different and likely almost completely unrecognizable. So many different aspects of my creative life, so many places I go, so many of my friends, so many projects I’ve created or helped out with, have been a result, either directly or indirectly, of my being in that show thirteen years ago. It’s led me to do some of the best work of my life in terms of writing, directing, acting, and more. And it’s led to close friendships and amazing creative partnerships. In short, that one opportunity, that little role in the chorus, opened up the door for me to find My People, again and again. And those people have changed my life in ways I never could have imagined, helped me do things I never dreamed of.

And that’s why being open to those opportunities is so important. Not all of them will pan out. But when you finally find the ones that do… The sky’s the limit. When you find Your People, there’s nothing you can’t do.